Oh. My. God.

2 11 2010

Okay, I’m not used to epiphanies first thing in the morning, let alone while undergoing my personal grooming un-regimen. I am not a metrosexual by any stretch. I did use some makeup on the weekend, but it was Halloween (photo attached to another blog). My preference for a goatee (technically, it’s a Van Dyke because I have a moustache too, but “Van Dyke”… not so popular with the ladies) stems from the fact that it still looks okay if I skip shaving the rest for a couple days.

I read somewhere that shaving styles are unique, distinctive and points of pride with most men. I wonder if that dates back to before the safety razor, when the jugular slitting straight razor required more attention than I’ve ever given. I’ve tried everything on this side of the strop from electric razors to disposable, cartridges, single, two and three blades, pivoting heads, gel strips, vibrating heads, every single marketing tool they come up with to somehow change my life and relieve the scratchiness on the outside of my throat through mechanical defoliation of my jaw and environs.

At the time of the first twin blade razor Saturday Night Live did a parody commercial about a triple bladed unit complete with an animation and the tag line, “Because you’ll believe anything we tell you.” Now that was a gag that kept on giving as I remembered it when the first triple blade razors appeared and my skepticism for advertising grew exponentially.

One informal little hobby I have where the internet is concerned is sending away for free samples of household products. In the last month I’ve got samples of detergent, enough little bottles of shampoo to go away for a few days and a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser. Women’s toiletries always factor heavily in these sorts of giveaways so Female OffspringBefore is frequent recipient of some items.

The exhortation of the title comes from one such item originally destined for Female Offspring.

Any man intent on minimizing facial bleeding knows that any razor that has touched a woman’s leg can never be used on a man’s face. I don’t know the science that underlies this, for I’ve felt “hairy” legs on women that was actually quite soft and had little of the abrasive qualities my cheeks have at the end of the day. Yet, even then, silky or not, any blade that touched a womanly leg seems hopelessly, irretrievably mangled for purposes of altering 5 o’clock shadows. Conversely I can use a razor repeatedly until rust starts to be an issue. It’s not a great feeling, but it doesn’t nick and tear at me like the leg blades do. The biggest issue and cause for blade change is my face hair clogging between the blades. Eventually, my own whiskers scratch the crap out of me and prevent the steel from reaching my skin. With some disposables, that can happen in one or two shaves. Less than optimal.

Well, yesterday’s free samples included a Venus Embrace, five blades with a “ribbon of moisture”, that individually adjust and leave skin smooth. In a lovely shade of blue with a purple stripe. I’m going out tonight and I’m on my last hair clogged triple blade disposable, waiting for a drug store visit to get some more. So I remembered this virgin ladies razor. Hmm… it seems the wrong shape for doing a man’s face, but… I decide to give it a try.

Now, the package recommends that I couple the razor with SatinCare© Lavender KissTM Shave Gel, but I’ve been using Vanilla Brown Sugar SoftSoap to great effect with a lovely non-shaving cream like smell. So I open the razor and lather up.

Let me re-state: Oh. My. God.

The first pass was like running a pliant spatula smeared with butter over my face (tasty image, considering the vanilla brown sugar soap). When I saw the denuded stripe on my cheek, I stopped to feel it. Nothing. Pre-puberty softness. Whoa lord. So I rinse the thing, thinking that’s it, one pass, irrevocably clogged with beard hair. Wait… this thing is open. A quick rinse and no sign of 80 grit whiskers. So I make another pass. The same. My face… is… happy.

Now, this is one shave, but the closest in recent or distant memory. Perhaps tomorrow won’t be the same. The blades will succumb to the massive stresses endured today. I don’t know. If it’s tAfterhe same shave tomorrow, I may soon be abandoning the macho razors for the Venus Embrace. I sense that marketing has once again beaten the life out of common sense. Here’s my take: Women, in all their soft, curvy wonderfulness, will buy new razors, come hell or high water, on something approaching a regular basis. Men – like me anyway – will wait for blades to start falling out before they will replace theirs. So men’s razors are designed to hopelessly clog quickly so we get pissed off, pitch them and buy new ones, pretty much forgetting about the act of shaving except when we’re actually doing it or catching shit for not having done it. A woman’s razor is designed to do a wonderful and effective job as women spend every 7 seconds thinking about the state of their legs and how it affects what men are thinking every 7 seconds. Yes, I know that’s all myth, but this is what the ad agencies are selling us! And dammit, I want the non-clogging, smooth gliding, close shaving razor and I don’t care who it’s marketed towards.

I am the guy to lead this movement. I don’t care. When I was a kid I was sent to the variety store for smokes and tampons (an 8 year old could buy both without a note back then) and I am a single dad with a teen female offspring, so I’ve made more than my share of odd gender mixed purchases before. So, today, I am venturing forth to the local Rexall to pick up a pack of Venus Embrace refills. Dammit, I want to Reveal the Goddess in me®.

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17 responses

2 11 2010
icufodu2

You will love the Venus shave as much tomorrow as you did today… yes, you can now enjoy having the legs of a goddess. on your face. Call it what you will… goatees are just damn sexy. Finally, this is a fabulous look for evening… may I suggest the addition of glitter on the outer brow?

2 11 2010
shpak60

You’re a true visionary.

2 11 2010
Jenn

You do crack me up…although Tim has been using myshaving stuff for years now!Shh…don’t tell him I told you! ( and the ladies shaving gel is so much cheaper… and all those gorgeous scents!!!) Here’s to your new discovery!

2 11 2010
shpak60

Not a chance. I’m calling him “Girlyman” first opportunity.

2 11 2010
wiredbeads

So Sexy! And I can feel the softness right through the monitor. Rrrrrrrrrrr. Women have appropriated mens’ products for a long time so turn-about is fair play.

2 11 2010
shpak60

Which reminds me, I’ll get those stockings and garters back to you. Didn’t end up using them.

2 11 2010
fifi

Goddess revealed and revered!!! My best laugh so far today…
Thank you!

2 11 2010
shpak60

Consider the favour repayed for seeing XX as Barbie/Damien.

3 11 2010
Lorraine Sommerfeld

God. Not nearly enough tea in me before I read this.

Linked you on my blog. Love this.

3 11 2010
shpak60

What does tea have to do with it? Spit take on the after photo?

7 11 2010
Matt

Interesting. Very interesting. Having been known to swim, ride a bike and then run as though I’ve got a lazer pointer between my shoulder blades (in that order) and being a silky smooth conformist with the cycling world, I may just have to give this a try!!
In my early 20’s I abandoned Gillette in protest when they stopped putting 5 refills in a clip. I felt jilted that they had the nerve to take my money for less product. I’ve shamelessly switched from brand to brand purchasing which ever was cheapest as I have always resented forking over 14$ for 17 cents of product.

Maybe now is the time to bury the hatchet, glue the chip back into my shoulder and give Gillette a try,,,

Maybe,,,,,

7 11 2010
shpak60

The Goddess in Scott still reigns. This might be a case of you get (comparatively) what you pay for.

11 11 2010
Weekly Update « ShpakBlog

[…] using the Venus 5 blade. I’m still a […]

18 11 2010
cybersister

The thing is I fear you are using that razor more often than I am now that the cold weather has set in.

18 11 2010
shpak60

As it’s not likely I’ll be rubbing my chin on your shin (unless Christmas drinks go horribly wrong), this is likely a groundless fear.

18 11 2010
cybersister

fear may have been too strong a word here. wasn’t what I had in mind either. trust me. 🙂

18 11 2010
shpak60

Nothing is so straightforward that I can’t confuse it a bit.

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